FATHER JOKES CORNER
Gbondalistic Humours
I went to my GP the other day for routine checks. As usual, the surgery made me step on their trinity devices: blood pressure, weight, height—the unholy trinity used to determine whether one has crossed from “well-built” into “clinically obese.”
Now, I already knew I was clinically obese, so I wasn’t sure why we had to go through this elaborate ritual. My suspicion is that the GP didn’t have the pastoral courage to tell me directly, so he outsourced the bad news to soulless machines. That way, it’s not him calling me obese—it’s science. Very Anglican of him.
Besides, it would have been awkward for him to say it out loud anyway, because we are remarkably similar in height, weight, and nationality. It would have felt less like a diagnosis and more like a confession.
The machines, being less sensitive than clergy or doctors, printed the verdict clearly: CLINICALLY OBESE. I showed him the results. He nodded gravely, said nothing, and handed me an information leaflet on weight loss.
Which was ironic—because if whatever is in that leaflet actually worked, I wouldn’t be sitting there… and neither would he.
At this point, I decided honesty was the best policy.
I said, “Doctor, God has given me two great gifts. First, the gift of eating. Second, the gift of being a Bible-believing Christian—not a cultural one, like my African sister Kemi Badenoch and that’s one of the reasons I have not joined the Conservative Party. And as Saint Paul warned Timothy, one must not neglect one’s gifts (1 Timothy 4:14). I take Scripture seriously.”
I continued, “Scripture also says, ‘See what great love the Father has lavished on us’ (1 John 3:1). And I see that love very clearly in the form of my wife—who has the divine, and frankly dangerous, gift of cooking extraordinarily delicious food. She enables me to exercise my calling fully.”
I added, “Now, while I may occasionally be tempted to divorce her for endangering my waistline, as a Bible-believing Christian I cannot. I made vows—for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Obesity, I believe, falls under ‘worse’ and possibly ‘sickness’.”
“And besides,” I said, “she is a virtuous woman—an embodiment of Proverbs 31. She is currently in limited edition, discontinued in most markets, and impossible to replace.”
The GP listened carefully, nodded slowly, and then offered me two treatment options:
1. Medication to reduce my appetite.
2. Deliverance ministry—to have the spirit of gluttony cast out.
So now I turn to you, dear reader. Which is more effective:
pharmaceutical intervention or full Pentecostal exorcism—with fasting (for everyone else)? 😇~
The Reverend Canon Egerton Gbonda
